Return Again
I have started so many entries and then discarded them since my last post nearly a year ago. I don't even know if anyone will be reading this, so if I treat this merely a note to self, maybe I'll finish it.
Work is over for 2008 at the end of next week, and I will have a couple of weeks to wind down and contemplate the last 12 months. The largest event for me was dodging a bullet. My surgery to have part of my colon removed, which resulted in a finding of cancer in the piece that was taken out. No further treatment necessary. I am blessed. And in the process, I felt so loved, by my sons, by my lover, by my friends and family. By my co-workers.
In the last year, I have lost a friend - the person I described in the last entry - but it was clearly coming to an end, and I do not mourn the loss. It was a wonderful friendship while it lasted, but it's over, and that's that. This year, I have reconnected with an old friend, developed deeper connections with others, and my relationship with my lover has grown and flourished, despite the challenges that beset us from time to time. There is in our relationship a characteristic that is painful for me, but that is so much a part of who my lover is that it is my task to develop an acceptance of it, rather than his task to let it go. I understand that. I knew it going in. He has never been anything but honest. And we have worked over the time that we have been together to find the best way to manage things between us. Just as we are deciding to get some counseling, I am feeling a shift that is softening the pain, and that is such a relief. I believe that counseling will still be a good thing, but this opening of my heart will make it work so much better.
Work is over for 2008 at the end of next week, and I will have a couple of weeks to wind down and contemplate the last 12 months. The largest event for me was dodging a bullet. My surgery to have part of my colon removed, which resulted in a finding of cancer in the piece that was taken out. No further treatment necessary. I am blessed. And in the process, I felt so loved, by my sons, by my lover, by my friends and family. By my co-workers.
In the last year, I have lost a friend - the person I described in the last entry - but it was clearly coming to an end, and I do not mourn the loss. It was a wonderful friendship while it lasted, but it's over, and that's that. This year, I have reconnected with an old friend, developed deeper connections with others, and my relationship with my lover has grown and flourished, despite the challenges that beset us from time to time. There is in our relationship a characteristic that is painful for me, but that is so much a part of who my lover is that it is my task to develop an acceptance of it, rather than his task to let it go. I understand that. I knew it going in. He has never been anything but honest. And we have worked over the time that we have been together to find the best way to manage things between us. Just as we are deciding to get some counseling, I am feeling a shift that is softening the pain, and that is such a relief. I believe that counseling will still be a good thing, but this opening of my heart will make it work so much better.
posted by Vicky | 9:26 PM
2 Comments:
Vicki, I am so glad to see an entry from you again, and I'm so sorry you've had to battle cancer, the changes in relationships and all. You sound so strong and together, and I dearly hope it won't be another year before you write another entry.
Wow, Cynthia, how nice to hear from you! I didn't imagine for a second that anyone would be reading what I wrote! You have given me a reason to write more. I will take the time to catch up your life via your blog later today, but wanted to acknowledge hearing from you right away. It seems so long since we connected, and is a lovely feeling to know that you are still out there and writing.
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